Dearest Fifth Baby…

Dearest Fifth Baby,

Today was your due date. Today was a day intended for celebration. Today, we went to church, spent time with family and visited a friend’s new house. Today did not include your birth.  27 weeks ago, during a routine ultrasound we were broken to hear that your little heartbeat was no longer.   After only just a few short months of loving you, you were gone.  In a moment, our world changed.

We found out we were pregnant on your sister’s first birthday!  We kept it quiet…  Mommy didn’t want to.  Daddy stopped me from blurting it out to a house full of people at the beach.  After getting home, I headed straight to the doctor.  I was six weeks and four days pregnant.  I HEARD YOU!  I heard your tiny little soft heart.  I clapped and had been given the all clear.  I am not and have not been one to keep a secret well.  Happy secrets, at least.  I immediately got a friend and her Etsy shop involved in a surprise reveal for everyone.  Your sister was going to wear the announcement!  We told everyone about you when I was 8 weeks along.

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August 15th was a busy day.  It was beautiful and sunny.  I was choking down pretzels and soda to keep the spins away.  Daddy and I walked into our normal doctors appointment to see a waiting room full of people.  One included a dear friend.  She and I shared a doctor and our little’s are about a week apart.  She was due with her second and waiting as well.  We chatted and passed the time and passed along prayers for each other.  The waiting room dwindled down and we were called back.  When the normal procedures and labs were done, we discussed having a larger ultrasound.  Our doctor was unable to hear your heartbeat and we moved to another room.  Our doctor performed the ultrasound.  I remember seeing you and saying “look how perfect you are”.   My doctor placed her hand on my hand and said “I am so sorry”.  I looked at Daddy and he was so strong.  He walked over and kissed my head.  After a moment of catching my breath, I felt an unbelievable sense of uncertainty.  Our doctor, a believer and friend was very supportive.  We made plans for surgery the next morning and left the office in a quiet fog.  Daddy and I were in separate cars and made calls to Nana and Memaw.  They called your other family.

Sweet Baby, the hardest part of all of this was telling your siblings.  Your three sisters and brother were waiting patiently on our arrival back home.  Daddy is always the stronger one with delivering news and as we all assembled in the living room, he told them of your passing.   In the past two years we’ve encountered death more than they have their entire lives.  Children ask questions that adults usually only think…..  How?  Why?  What now?  Where…  and one that got us “Are they SURE?”

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Telling the other adults was much harder.  I know that people say that this is reason that most women wait to announce.  I know… but as I said before, I’m not very good with that and we wanted people to be praying for you.  To know about you…. to know about you so that we wouldn’t have to suffer in silence.  It’s an awkward feeling seeing people after losing a child, even someone as small as you.  Everyone we spoke to had a story.  Why did we not know?   Sweet Baby, I hope that you can be a story that people remember.  How you were loved from the moment you were created.  You were a significant, important, of value, contribution to human history.   How your parents shared the story of you and their healing….  hope and faith.  Faith that we don’t know and we don’t need to know.  

So Dear Sweet Baby Five,

At six weeks I heard you.  I heard your little heart screaming that you love me.   We are going to be okay.  We are all going to be okay.

Love,

Mama

thank you

 

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Asheley Ramseur

Asheley Ramseur

Believer. Wife and Mama to a full house. Blogger with poor grammar. Lover of cheeseburgers and strong coffee. Sinner seeking Grace. Native Charlottean. #aspywarrior