Disney Debocle

I hate crowds and people, in general. Im claustrophobic and germaphobic. I have one kid with ADHD and one with extreme anxiety. I should have known better then to take a trip to Disney World.
My family decided that we would drive to Disney on a Monday and return on Friday. It was ‘only’ 8 hours away and if the kids watched DVDs we figured we would be fine.
We got in the car at 9:00.
At 9:02 my five year old asked, “Are we almost there? How many more hours? How many minutes? How many seconds?”
At 10, my 8 year old decided that he was going to talk to like Yoda doing an impression of Foghorn Leghorn for the rest of the ride.
“I say, I say, there yet we are?”
At 11:00 one of the boys announced that he had to have ‘explosive diarrhea’.
At 12:00 we made a list (in alphabetical order) of all the words we could think of for balls.
You get the point.

We arrived to Disney World at 8 pm. Id like to tell you that all “Our Dreams Came True” and that it really was the “Happiest Place on Earth”. But if I told you that, I’d be wrong, again.

Day 1- Hollywood Studios

We woke up in the morning excited to see Hollywood Studios. It was thundering and lightening. My kids were nervous. “Its fake lightening,” I assured them. “Nothing bad can happen to people at Disney World.” A second later, the tornado sirens went off. People were surprisingly calm… Except my kids.
“I DON’T WANT TO DIE!! WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!” One screamed, while the other was dry heaving and shaking from panic.

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We were herded into the back of crowded shop until the storm passed. It was at this point I noticed how many people had failed to put on deodorant that day. The smell in shop could only be compared to a trashcan outside a hoagie store on a hot summer day.
“What freakin stinks?” My little one screamed between his sobs of fear.
“That smell is the reason we bathe everyday,” I explained.
We tried to salvage the day by seeing characters. After waiting an hour and a half to to see Phinneus and Ferb for a total of 30 seconds, we decided to eat. It was 12:43 and our reservation want until 12:45. They made us wait.
At 5:00 we took a park break and went back to the hotel. Luckily, the kids didn’t want to go back out.

Day 2- Magic Kingdom
I’m not sure what was more disturbing in the Magic Kingdom: the amount of adults wearing Mickey Mouse ears, or the number of people in wheelchairs that clearly would have been better off walking. At one point I saw a man dressed in a Buzz Lightyear hoodie, trading disney pins with a man who just had his face painted as a pirate.

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Wait times for rides where we didnt have a pass for were 110 mins or longer. No thanks. Luckily we had Fast Passes to eat. Because otherwise we would have starved. We ate at “Be Our Guest”… Where a girl with a 70s afro kept insisting that we couldn’t make substitutions on our 50 dollar cafeteria lunch.

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My kids were miserable, my husband and I were on the brink of divorce… We had no other option… We had to get out.
Unfortunately, our swift exit was interrupted by a parade on Main Street. We were almost trampled as we tried to squeeze our kids through to see Disney Characters they never heard of wave down Main Street. When the parade ended, I told my husband to run for it.

Within two seconds he was gone. I could see him, calling his phone wouldn’t work. I was just going to hope he’d make it to the monorail without us. I held on to my kids as tight as possible and managed to make it. Unfortunately, my husband did not. The worst part was he had the keys. I started to panic. I was going to be stuck in Disney Hell forever.
Thirty minutes later my husband arrived, sweaty and tired. My Prince Charming looked me straight in the eye and said “lets get the F out of here and never come back”.

We checked out of our hotel and drove straight to the beach.

Days 3-5 Ritz Carlton, Amelia Island
We pulled up to the Ritz at 9 pm. All of us famished from living on popcorn for two days.
In our luxurious room we ordered everything on the Room Service menus and dined on our beds overlooking the ocean.
The ocean was freezing, but we didn’t care. We played foos ball and air hockey. We went in the hot tub and collected sharks teeth and sea shells. Santa even came to tuck the kids in at night. Apparently we had it wrong at first, this was where ‘Dreams Come True’.

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Lauren Karpf

Lauren Karpf

Lauren Karpf is the kind of girl who in the nineties couldn’t figure out how to tight roll her jeans or tease her bangs high. She tried to embrace her individuality but instead embraced NY pizza. Now 20 years later, with a husband and two kids she’s still trying to figure it all out. Lauren writes about the realities of being a mom, friend and wife; because everyone knows life deserves a Five Second Rule too.