Note to Self

1149_4647850Sometimes I worry unnecessarily.  I worry about things like, what if my kids will grow up and live in my basement or  that I will get a contagious disease from a public bathroom, or that my husband will decide to grow a handlebar mustache.  My latest fear is that I will fall and get amnesia and forget all of the important lessons I have learned over the last 37 years.

Worry no more- I have made a list:

1.  There is such a thing as too tan. (Spray cautiously.)

2.  Exercise makes you feel good, but so does wine and chocolate.  (Choose appropriately.)

3.  Any annoying trait of your spouse WILL be passed on to your kids.

3a.  Annoying traits that are cute during the first few months of dating become extremely intolerable by year five  of  marriage.

4.  No matter how late you let your kids stay up at night, they will wake up before seven full of energy.

5.  Making homemade rice krispie treats is never a good idea.

6. Always give good gifts to your kid’s teacher, even if you hate her.  (Mugs and Totes don’t count as gifts.)

7.  Don’t trust a guy who wears socks with sandals.

8.  If you pretend you don’t see the stain on your shirt no one else will see it either.

9.  Hangovers last a week once you are 35.  (Drink carefully.)

10.  Selfies are for teenagers.  (No matter how good your hair looks, if you are over the age of 23, resist.)

11.  Dressing Rooms mirrors in Target add 10 pounds; the ones in Nordstroms take away 10.  (Order online.)

12.  Trainers lie; everyone is judging and staring at you at the gym.

13.  Little kids tell the truth.  Always ask a child under 4 how you look before going out.

14. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.  (Except for a juicy steak and molton lava cake.)

15.  Once your kids learn to work the remote, you can officially sleep in on Saturdays.

16.  Puppies are cute until the poop in the house and eat all your shoes.

 

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Lauren Karpf

Lauren Karpf

Lauren Karpf is the kind of girl who in the nineties couldn’t figure out how to tight roll her jeans or tease her bangs high. She tried to embrace her individuality but instead embraced NY pizza. Now 20 years later, with a husband and two kids she’s still trying to figure it all out. Lauren writes about the realities of being a mom, friend and wife; because everyone knows life deserves a Five Second Rule too.